


What I Want to Say

by insatiablerealist



Series: California [2]
Category: The West Wing
Genre: M/M, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 17:57:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5937631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insatiablerealist/pseuds/insatiablerealist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam is lonely while campaigning in California, and he has no idea what's going on between him and Josh.</p><p>Set during season 4 some time before "The California 47th" but not related to a specific episode.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What I Want to Say

> ___I am trying to say_  
>  _what I want to say_  
>  _without having to say_  
>  _"I love you"_

 

"You're gonna do great things, Sam."

Sam didn't know what he expected to come from his conversation with Josh on the night of the election, but he thought things would be different afterward. They had said so little, and yet every word and glance and gesture had seemed to hold so much significance. It felt too meaningful to have no effect on their lives. But nothing changed. At least, nothing obvious. Maybe something did change, but Sam couldn't put his finger on it.

They still talked in the few days before Sam left. It would have been difficult for him and Josh to ignore each other, so it was a good thing neither of them tried. They talked about what Josh was working on, and what Sam was working on, and what they could all work on now that they didn't have to worry about reelection.

But any time California came up, Josh changed the subject. He acted as if Sam wasn't going anywhere. Sam would have thought that it would be nice to have at least one person not tiptoeing around him (other than Bonnie and Ginger, who were ready to establish residency in Orange County just to vote for Sam) but with Josh it felt forced. Besides, Sam wanted the one person who had encouraged him to run for Congress to show some interest.

Josh's attitude never changed, though. So Sam left for California having hardly said goodbye. He knew he was coming back in a couple days anyway. But when the time came for him to campaign full time, Josh was still pretending that nothing was happening, and Sam couldn't figure out how to snap him out of it.

He went back to California. He threw himself into the campaign. He tried to shake the feeling that his friendship with Josh and anything else that might have been happening between them had fallen apart somewhere behind him in D.C. He even thought about Will Bailey from time to time. Sam had been quite taken with him when Will was running Wilde's campaign. But that train of thought was even more absurd than pining after Josh. Now that they were so far away, Sam could admit that was what he had been doing for the last four years, and that it was ludicrous.

Donna called him often. They were both busy, so "often" was a relative term, but he heard from her more than anyone else at the White House. She only mentioned Josh in the context of big things happening back in Washington, but that wasn't unusual. She usually avoided talking about Josh, probably because she had realized before Sam did that they both had a hopeless infatuation with him.

There came a point, however, when Sam needed to hear something about his friend. He probably could have come up with a more graceful opening line than "Does Josh miss me" but it would have to do.

"Of course!" Donna answered immediately when he asked.

"He said that?"

"Well, not exactly. But you know how he is. He obviously hates that you left."

Sam scoffed. "He's the one who told me to do this."

"Which is why he hasn't said anything. He's mad that you're gone and he thinks it's his fault." When Sam didn't say anything, Donna kept going. "You should call him."

"He hasn't called me yet." 

Sam could hear Donna sigh. "Because he's Josh!"

"He was acting weird before I left. I got the feeling he didn't want to talk." Sam knew he was beginning to sound like a petulant child, but he couldn’t help himself.

"Well, now he's probably freaking out about everyone he loves leaving, so call him, whether he thinks he wants to talk or not."

"Okay."

"And I'll know if you've called. I can hold you to that."

"I'll call!"

"Good."

And Sam meant that, but it was almost a week before he made the call. He blamed his schedule because of the campaign, but really he was just putting it off. It was stupid; he had been the one to assure Josh that they would stay in touch and now they hadn't spoken in a month. That span of time made it even harder to break the silence, because Sam knew he would have to offer an explanation and he knew he had none.

Even though Donna had said she wanted to know when Sam called, when Sam finally got around to it, he purposefully called Josh’s cell, and waited until an hour when there was a chance Josh was actually at home instead of in the office. He could fill Donna in later. Finally, after spending ten minutes picking up his phone and setting it back down again, he bit the bullet and dialed. 

"Hello?"

"Hi, Josh."

"Sam!" Sam couldn't identify Josh's tone, but it sounded more shocked than happy.

“How’s Washington?”

“It’s—it’s great! How’s the campaign going? I, uh, meant to call, but it’s been so busy here, you know—” Josh groped for an explanation.

“It’s fine, I understand.” That wasn’t what Sam meant to say, but he couldn’t find it in him to start a fight with Josh right away, not when he was just talking to him for the first time in weeks. Sam hadn’t realized until Josh started rambling just how much he had missed the sound of his friend’s voice. “The campaign’s doing well, actually.” That also wasn’t exactly true, but Josh didn’t need Sam to tell him that. It would be apparent enough if Josh had been following the campaign at all.

“It would be doing better if Toby and I were running it for you.”

“Anytime you want to quit your jobs, just let me know. Don’t you have a State of the Union to be working on?” This felt like their normal banter. This was—nice wasn’t the right word, because Sam knew they couldn’t just ignore the tension between them, but it was comfortable. It made him homesick for D.C.

“You know, that would be going a lot better if you were here helping us. Toby’s going crazy without you.”

“Whose fault is it that I’m out here?” And there it was. He knew the conversation had been going too smoothly. It was only a matter of time before he put his foot in his mouth.

Josh was noticeably silent for a moment. “Yours, actually,” he said flatly, all humorous exasperation gone from his voice.

“Oh really? Because I seem to remember someone telling me this was a good idea. Who could that have been?”

“ _I_ seem to remember saying this was a stupid-ass idea from the get-go but accepting that you were gonna go through with it no matter what I said!”

“I think you’ll find that’s not exactly how the conversation went!” Sam was genuinely shouting now, and he suddenly realized that he’d have to lower his voice if he didn’t want someone from the campaign staff checking on him.

“Come on, Sam, I made it clear I would have preferred it if you stayed here.”

“Did you?” The anger had left Sam’s voice, and now he sounded much more hurt than he had expected to. “I had no idea what you thought those last few days in Washington. You didn’t tell me to stay, you pretended I wasn’t going anywhere!”

“Sam—”

“I’m not saying you could have changed my mind about anything, but it would have been nice to know you cared that I was moving across the country!”

“Of course I cared, dammit! God, do you have any idea how much I’ve missed you?” Sam could hear Josh’s sudden intake of breath. “Um, that was a little more than I meant to say out loud.”

“Yeah.” Sam blinked, at a loss for words. He knew Josh cared about things, and people, deeply, but he very rarely managed to actually put it into words.

“I mean it, though. This place feels weird without you around.”

Sam smiled. “I’ve missed you, too,” he said softly. “I keep wishing I never agreed to do this.”

“Me too,” Josh said with a sigh that might have been a laugh.

“You did encourage me to run. Even if you didn’t personally want me to,” Sam pointed out.

“Yeah, and let me tell you, if that wasn’t the dumbest thing I’ve ever done . . .”

“Relax, you’ve done plenty of other dumb things.”

“Gee, thanks.”

Sam laughed. “You’re coming out here with the President when he endorses me, right?” He felt so pretentious casually mentioning his endorsement from the President of the United States, but he couldn't just allude to it.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Good.” For a moment neither of them could think of anything else to say. “I wish I could see you before then,” Sam continued before he could rethink his words. 

“Sam—” 

“Yeah?”

“Nothing.” It definitely wasn’t nothing, judging from Josh’s tone, but Sam didn’t push him. “Just—don’t wait a month before calling again.”

“I’ll see you in less than a month,” Sam pointed out.

“You know what I mean.”

“You could call me first, you know.”

“Sam!”

“I know.”

“Thanks for calling this time, though,” Josh murmured.

“Yeah. Bye, Josh.”

“Bye.”

Sam hung up, feeling simultaneously completely different and exactly the same, and somehow more miserable than ever.

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't originally planning on making a series, but now there will be a third part to this storyline.
> 
> Title/quote from What I'm Trying to Say by Stars.
> 
> Shoutout to Sam/step-off-the-earth for betaing and contributing the only vaguely humorous line in this whole series.


End file.
